7. Put the Relationship First (Kohn, 123)

Ephesians 6:4 “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”

Mosiah 4:15 “But ye will teach them to walk in the ways of truth and soberness; ye will teach them to love one another, and to serve one another.”

It is more important to have a healthy relationship with your children than to fight over why they didn’t do the dishes. As parents we should consider the long term rather than the here and now. We should care about how much we love our children and that they know it rather than making sure they know you are the boss at all times. President Monson said in perfectly here, “Never let a problem to be solved, become more important than a person to be loved.” Our relationship with our children and loved ones is so much more important than any problem or argument and as parents it is our job to keep this in perspective. 

6. Hear Your Child’s Point of View (Steinberg, 170)

St. Luke 22:42 “Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless thy will, but thine, be done.”

In this scripture Christ is speaking to His Father in Heaven. Heavenly Father does not turn a deaf ear or dismiss what He is saying. God may not have done what Christ asked for, but He took the time to listen. Hearing your child’s point of view does not mean that we give in to whatever it is that they want. It does mean that you take the time to hear your child out and show that you respect their thoughts. It is important to consider what your children are saying rather than dismiss it, because they are children. They may have a point. It can also help you better understand how they feel by putting yourself in their shoes. Do not back down on important issues, but take the time to listen to children and reconsider your position. 

5. Admit Your Mistakes (Steinberg, 173)

Doctrine & Covenants 121:37  “That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition,” ... “behold, the heavens withdraw themselves…”

2 Nephi 28:20 – 21 “For behold, at that day shall he rage in the hearts of the children of men, and stir them up to anger against that which is good. And others will he pacify, and lull them away into carnal security, that they will say: All is well in Zion; yea, Zion prospereth, all is well – and thus the devil cheatheth their souls, and leadeth them away carefully down to hell.”

It is important in life to admit when you are wrong; this applies in your actions with children. If children never see you apologize then they will have a hard time doing so themselves. It is important for children to see that their parents are not perfect, so that you seem like a regular person. They will feel more comfortable coming to you when they have made a mistake or need to apologize. Never admitting you are wrong teaches your children to be prideful and stubborn. These are not qualities that we generally wish to impart on our children.

Another reason why it is important to admit your mistakes is that it gives you a reality check and shows you areas you can improve upon. If parents go around thinking they can do no wrong all of the nasty habits and bad relationship techniques will continue to grow and eat away at your family. We should not be ashamed of our mistakes, but instead use them as stepping stones to become better.

4. Too Much Control. “We might say it’s our job to be “in control,” in the sense of creating a healthy and safe environment, offering guidance, and setting limits – but it’s not our job to be “controlling,” in the sense of demanding absolute obedience or relying on pressure or continuous regulation.” (Kohn, 62)

Doctrine & Covenants 121:37 “or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves…”

Controlling our children in a way that dictates all that they do is unhealthy and frankly not our duty as parents. It is our job to guide and assist children, and in some cases take control in a situation that needs it. We should not control every aspect of our children’s lives, because when the time comes for them to take care of  themselves and make their own decisions they will have no idea how to. We were given our agency for a reason and just because someone is your child does not give you the right to take that agency away from them. From this scripture we can see how important it is to allow children their agency, and if we do not we lose many blessings. 

3. Talk Less, Ask More (Kohn, 127)

James 1:5 “If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.”

If you want to be close with your children they need to feel like they can come and talk “with you” at not be “talked at”. If parents would relax and have a genuine conversation with their children they would find it goes a long way. The best way to get to know someone is to ask questions. The same goes for talking with children. This does not mean that you should “interview” your children, but that you should allow them to tell you what is going on in their lives without feeling pressured.

You might think that because you were once a child you know exactly how they feel and what they are going through. But each person is different. Asking your child why they acted a certain way or did something can open your eyes to a whole new perspective. 

2. Relax Limits As Your Child Matures (Steinberg, 102)

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up your child in a way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

If parents take the time to teach children correct principles and help them grow, when the time comes for that child to go out into the world and make their decisions they will do well. It can be difficult to allow teenagers to make their own decisions, but parents need to allow them to make mistakes and learn from them. As children get older parents need to relax their rules and regulations and make sure they are appropriate for the child’s temperament and age. If you have taught them well they will do just fine on their own and do not need you there to make all of their decisions for them.  

1. “Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts” (Kohn, 130)

Mosiah 3:19 “…becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”

Children are naturally good. We can see in the above scripture the wonderful qualities that children possess. As parents it can sometime seem that your child is acting up or misbehaving just to spite you or irritate you. However, if we understand their true qualities and are not too quick to judge we can better understand their motives behind their actions. It is better to give children the benefit of the doubt especially because they do not yet know how to regulate their emotions. We might think we understand why a child is doing something and assume it is because they are doing it out of spite, but it is better to pause and ask why before causing a fight.